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Constantly having to show your best side and always pretending to be in a great mood means regression.
March 6, 2025
Margit Hiebl
Happiness is often said to be a matter of mindset. Why one should definitely allow negative thoughts and feelings and how the compulsive search for positivity can be downright toxic.
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Think pink! Good vibes only! It all depends on your attitude! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! How many times have we heard this, said it ourselves, or hashtagged it? On Instagram alone, there are 164 million posts for "#goodvibes."
But honestly: Must we always find something good in everything? Can't we just feel bad sometimes? Or sad? And angry? Yes, you can - and instead of rose-colored glasses, use the middle finger, even in pink. Some may now wonder: What's wrong with positive thinking? Where numerous studies prove its effectiveness. And what's wrong with being optimistic? Nothing, of course.
Optimists are said to have a higher life expectancy. But forced optimism is not a panacea and can also backfire. Hashtag: toxicpositivity.
In a figurative sense: When positive thinking and optimism have a child that is completely out of character. Character trait: compulsive confidence. Fueled by a true movement of positive thinking and established not least by the pandemic, the motto "You can't think negatively and expect positive outcomes" constantly offers pink cotton candy on social media, in coaching, and self-help advisors.
Perhaps also a misguided effect of Positive Psychology, which intensifies the focus on the positive to create a balance of feelings - because people instinctively focus more on the negative. Even if they are no fun, negative feelings certainly have a purpose - sometimes even a vital one.
They indicate that something is wrong, warn us, and urge us to act and change something. Being really angry sometimes feels damn alive too. Negative thinking can even be used as a strategy by playing through a worst-case scenario.
This way, bad vibes allow us to learn and grow. Constantly having to show your best side, always pretending to be in a great mood, on the other hand, means regression.
On the one hand for the 'courage-givers', who increasingly lose the ability for genuine empathy . But especially for their 'victims'. For them, if everyone around them masters their issues with nonchalance, their own misfortune can weigh twice as heavily.
© Julia Avamotive
If no valuable lessons are learned from crises, one lacks the tools for the next ones.
The pressure to stay positive also leads to frustration, shame, and sadness, according to a study that examined the effects of toxic positivity on college students during the pandemic. Especially because they felt that the feelings they shared were dismissed as trivial by their environment. The use of social media amplified the effect.
This can even lead to people in difficult situations feeling isolated and thinking their feelings are inappropriate. Well-intentioned is not always well done and results in a vicious cycle: Because even these fears and worries are once again suppressed, and to resolve the cognitive dissonance, the situation is reinterpreted and sugar-coated again.
But what about the problems? They do not disappear, on the contrary: 'What is rejected not only remains but grows', said Carl Gustav Jung, the founder of analytical psychology.
And another toxic snowball effect: If no valuable lessons are learned from the crisis, one lacks the tools for the next one. Even if the crisis is overcome, the pink danger still lurks: Instead of appreciation and support while licking wounds, one might hear a sentence like: 'Be glad that you're doing well now.'
Not only in personal life, but also in a professional context, there is toxic positivity. For example, New Work: Under the trendy cloak of agility, many work at the edge of their capacity, often 24/7, with increasing pressure and questionable contracts—and constantly talk themselves into believing it's okay. Classic phrases here include: "Failure is not an option. And with the right mindset, you can make it."
It's not uncommon for the mindset of always being personally responsible for one's own happiness or unhappiness to lead to distorted perceptions of reality. Negative experiences are overvalued, with the notion: "It's my own fault that I can't get it done"—while positive experiences are undervalued, with the notion: "I just got lucky!" A blow to self-confidence.
Especially for people with pre-existing mental illnesses, toxic positivity can become a trap here: Depression and Anxiety disorders can get worse. Unfortunately, this also raises the barrier to seeking professional help.
Toxic positivity also has physical consequences. A study showed that people with higher "emodiversity," or greater emotional variety, had lower levels of inflammation in their blood.
Another study at Boston University with people with anxiety and affective disorders showed other physical effects: One half was instructed to suppress emerging feelings during an emotion-inducing film, the other to accept them. The result of the measurements showed: All were similarly stressed, but the acceptance group showed less negative emotions and a lower heart rate.
What distinguishes toxic positivity from optimism? Toxic positivity is – like too much sugar in coffee – inedible and bad for your health over time. Healthy optimism, on the other hand, is like a balanced diet: it nourishes us without making us sick.
Because the slightly positive skewed approach helps to approach situations constructively because it motivates. But the line is thin. How do you manage to stay optimistic in a way that benefits yourself or others? Actually, it's quite simple: Be honest with yourself and others. Accept that life can just be crap. Allow yourself to be grumpy. Or to answer the question "How are you?" with "I've been better."
For anyone acting as an advisor: Listening to others is better than immediately throwing rainbow wisdom at them. In fact, someone in a difficult situation is more helped by a hug. And instead of "it will get better," say something like: "I'm here for you whenever you need me." Or: "I understand that this is weighing on you. How can I support you?"
Unhappiness and happiness go together. Maybe you only really appreciate happiness when you know the other side. And yes, perhaps in hindsight, one might even say: How good that I got fired from that job – I wouldn't have dared to take that step and wouldn't have gotten as far as I have today. Or about an ex-partner: Thank you for leaving me! And be proud of having mastered the crises with all their ups and downs. Because that makes you strong and authentic. Because your own feelings feel right – no matter what color they are.
