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March 27, 2026
Marianne Waldenfels
How trauma shapes our relationships: Verena König explains why we repeat patterns—and how healing is possible. An in-depth interview on attachment and the nervous system
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Trauma arises when stressful experiences cannot be adequately processed by the nervous system—and often affects us far beyond the original event. Interpersonal injuries, in particular, shape us and have a lasting impact on our trust, attachment ability, and sense of security.
In her latest book "Trauma and Relationships," trauma therapist Verena König shows how early attachment experiences and emotional injuries shape our nervous system. In the interview, König explains why exactly these traces influence our relationship behavior into adulthood and what ways there are to heal old wounds and allow new experiences of connectedness.
What exactly is trauma, how do I recognize it?
A trauma is more than a stressful or painful event. We speak of trauma when a person is so overwhelmed by an event or a highly stressful period that their system cannot adequately process and integrate the experience. Feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and existential threat play a crucial role here.
The key factor is not only, what happened, but also how it continues to affect the nervous system and experiences in all areas of our lives. The consequences of trauma are evident when safety, vitality, and connection are lost, and protection, withdrawal, over-adaptation, fight, or freeze take their place.
These burdens manifest particularly in our interpersonal relationships. We can say that we recognize trauma by how we experience and shape relationships.
How do traumas inflicted by a person differ from those experienced through a catastrophe, for example?
This distinction is very important. Trauma research shows that human-made, i.e., interpersonal traumas often have more complex impacts than traumas caused by accidents or natural disasters. When another person becomes a source of pain, violence, humiliation, or betrayal, not only is the sense of security shaken, but often trust itself as well. Early attachment traumas are particularly profound because they imprint themselves in the midst of self-development and relationship capability.
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Trauma therapist and author Verena König
What do the consequences of trauma have in common? How do traumas affect the body and soul?
The consequences of trauma are expressions of ongoing protection and survival reactions. They can manifest psychologically, physically, and relationally. This includes flashbacks, anxiety, depressive states, shame, chronic tension, self-esteem issues, dissociation, physical complaints, and difficulties in forming relationships. Common to all these consequences is that the nervous system is out of balance, and the world is perceived as dangerous rather than safe. Where there should be connectedness, protection, preparedness, and defense come to the forefront.
How can one process and heal trauma, leaving destructive patterns behind?
Trauma processing is generally a multifaceted and complex process. Trauma does not heal solely through understanding and cognitive therapy approaches, such as talk therapy. In this context, healing means integrating unprocessed experiences.
This means we must learn to understand how our nervous system deals with unprocessed stress, categorize old protective patterns as meaningful survival strategies, and gradually make and embody new experiences of safety. Awareness is central to this, for what comes into the light of consciousness can change.
Destructive patterns lose their power when people not only fight their symptoms but also address the wounds behind them and make new, healing experiences of connectedness in the here and now. This can occur in trauma-sensitive coaching or intensive outpatient or inpatient trauma therapy, depending on the severity of the symptoms.
How often are traumas passed on to the next generation? How can this be avoided?
A definite number cannot be given for this. But we know from research and practice that unprocessed traumas can have transgenerational and intergenerational effects, especially through attachment, affect regulation, relationship patterns, and implicit messages in family and societal climates.
Children learn not only from words but from atmospheres, reactions, and what is emotionally possible or impossible. This transmission cannot be avoided by striving for perfection, but through awareness: by adults recognizing their own wounds, taking responsibility for their patterns, and bringing more emotional security, predictability, and dignity into relationships.
How important are early childhood attachment experiences?
They are simply fundamental. Early attachment experiences shape how we perceive ourselves, how we assess others, and how our nervous system processes closeness, distance, conflicts, and needs. Through early attachment experiences, a child learns not only relationship patterns but also the basic experience of security.
When these early attachment experiences are characterized by reliability and attentiveness, a more stable foundation for self-worth and connectedness is likely to develop. If they are insecure, contradictory, or hurtful, this can influence the entire later relationship biography. Early childhood attachment experiences are, in a sense, the first inner maps by which we often unconsciously navigate relationships later on.
Can relationships in adulthood heal old traumas? And if so, how?
Yes, relationships can be healing, but not automatically. Relationships are healing where safety, resonance, predictability, and dignity are experienced. Precisely because trauma often arises in relationships, new relational experiences can have a corrective force.
In my book, this is a central idea: trauma occurs in relationships and trauma heals in relationships. This does not mean that a good partnership makes the events of the past undone. But secure relationships can help the nervous system to anchor new experiences, so that protective patterns gradually soften and more vitality and trust become possible again.
What is Ego State Therapy and how can it positively impact our relationships?
Ego State Therapy is a model of personality that works with the idea that our personality consists of different internal parts. Some parts carry wounds, some protective strategies, others resources. This perspective does not describe anything pathological, but rather the expression of internal complexity.
For relationships, this model is very helpful because it allows differentiation: Instead of fully identifying with a reaction, a person can recognize that a wounded or protective part is currently activated. This creates internal distance, which in turn allows for more self-compassion and more responsibility in contact with others. As a result, relationships are often clearer, less reactive, and much more consciously designed.
