Unfulfilled desire for children: What can I do?

More than one in six couples in Germany have difficulties fulfilling their desire to have children, and the trend is rising. Also Marie von den Benken waited eight years for her desired child. In "Life is No Child's Wish Concert" she writes about various treatment methods and fertility clinics, about hopes and painful setbacks, and reveals what gave her emotional support during this challenging time.

Which treatment methods have you tried?

We tried for many years naturally - with everything you can imagine: cycle apps, temperature measurement, ovulation tests, supplements. This led us to a bizarre reality. In the end, we only had scheduled sex, and passion hardly played a role.

After six years, we then dared three inseminations. Mainly in the hope of relieving pressure on our love life. Adding expertise to redistribute responsibilities. But all three were unsuccessful. Finally, we decided on IVF with half-ICSI, where one part of the eggs was fertilized classically in a petri dish, and the other half by ICSI. Three blastocysts developed - Luca came from the second, the third is still on ice.

How did you learn to deal with constant hopes and disappointments?

The hardest part was the open waiting without a time horizon. If someone had told me, "It will take six years, then it will work," I could have accepted this deadline. But this endless loop of hope, constantly listening to my body, overinterpreting every pull - and then the recurring sobering - that was exhausting.

How long would this go on? How long could we endure this as a couple and as individuals? The worst was the helplessness. The feeling of not being able to influence anything. Trying everything and always failing. That makes you feel helpless. At some point I decided not to completely surrender to this cycle anymore. I started reading scientific publications, studying intensively, and acquiring knowledge.

This cognitive level - the ability to rationally classify the process - helped me a lot. The step into the fertility clinic was also relieving because part of the responsibility shifted from me as an individual to a professional medical team.

Additionally, I started keeping a diary and openly discussing pain and helplessness in psychotherapy. With this combination of knowledge, professional support, and reflection, I was able to get through the years. That was an important game changer. If we had continued like this, it would have certainly ended in a fiasco. Especially on the couple level.

Were there moments when you considered stopping?

Yes, initially we didn't want to seek any help at all. We always had our Plan B - to adopt a child or take in a foster child if it didn't work naturally. The three inseminations were just supposed to give a little push. When they also failed, we were convinced that we had to seek our happiness in another way, and we engaged intensively with adoption and foster children. It was never a last resort for us, but a real alternative.

And yet my internal boundaries continued to shift on this journey. Maybe because each setback made it clearer how much we wanted a biological child. First, we just wanted to try it naturally. Then inseminations were okay.

Finally, we dared to try IVF - something my partner and I could never have imagined at the beginning. But as healthy, young people back then, we also could never have imagined that I just wouldn't get pregnant. And then I was sure with IVF: I'm only doing this once. I didn't want to subject myself to a second hormone treatment, and even today I think I wouldn't do another IVF.

After the failed inseminations, we also lost trust in our clinic at the time - I didn't feel taken seriously there. That was a difficult realization and an awkward situation. To stand against your doctors.

I describe this in detail in the book as well, because it was not an easy decision for me. However, another treatment at that place was out of the question for us. When a new clinic was recommended to us, where we felt well taken care of from the first moment, it would have been almost negligent not to give IVF a chance.

What strategies or routines helped you stay mentally stable during this time?

Much was trial and error: Psychotherapy, to clearly name fears and feelings of guilt. Writing, to bring structure to the chaos. And our cats, who already made us feel like a small family. Anyone who has pets knows how much support and love they can give. And of course Alex - the certainty that we have each other, no matter how the story ends.

Some women are deeply shaken in their self-image when they cannot become pregnant. They perceive it as a failure. What do you advise them?

I know these thoughts all too well. I often asked myself: Am I too late? Am I less of a woman if I don't get pregnant? What did I do wrong? Today I know: Womanhood cannot be reduced to fertility. Womanhood is diversity - it is strength and vulnerability, care and creativity, it shows itself in so many facets beyond biological function.

My advice is therefore: Don't blame yourself. Talk about it - because silence makes you lonely, while openness connects. And always remember: A fertility treatment is fundamentally a couple's issue. Make sure your partner is also thoroughly examined. It is still too rarely discussed that the causes of infertility lie just as often with the man as with the woman.

What role did your partner Alexander play during this difficult time, and how did the time of wanting children affect your relationship?

Alex was my anchor. Of course we argued, struggled - the time of wanting children was a test of strength. When closeness is suddenly dictated by the cycle, when apps and temperature charts determine when intimacy "must" occur, there is little room for ease and romance. After many months and years, I began to question everything: my previous life plan, sometimes even the relationship with Alex.

But at some point we realized: Our love stands above everything - even above the desire to have children. This insight carried us, made us stronger, and gave us the strength to get through this time together.

What advice would you give to other affected people when they are looking for the right fertility clinic?

I chose the first clinic in the classic way based on positive Internet reviews. The second was recommended to us by trusted people - and in retrospect, that was by far the better way. The clinic was a perfect hit. In the end, however, the gut feeling is what matters most. You quickly feel whether trust is developing, whether questions are heard, and wishes are taken seriously. You should definitely listen to this gut feeling.

My advice: If this feeling is missing, don't stay too long. I held out too long myself, even though I rationally knew that it wasn't right. You can switch at any time - and you have the right to request your patient records. No one starts at zero in a new clinic. So the time in the previous clinic would not be a waste of time or money.

And: Also look at the specialization and experience of the doctors. Some clinics are more focused on standard procedures, others on more complex cases or special diagnostics. In my experience, a clinic that conveys both medical expertise and an atmosphere of confidence is the best companion on this path.

© Marie von den Benken

In your opinion, what needs to change so that couples with unfulfilled desires to have children are better supported?

The desire for children should not depend on the wallet. The high costs are an insurmountable hurdle for many. Much more support is needed here - financially, but also structurally: uniform health insurance regulations, fewer bureaucratic hurdles, better provision even outside of large cities, and binding psychological support.

At every regulars' table, in all internet forums, and in every talk show you constantly hear that we have an unfavorable birth rate and urgently need many more children. Children are the future of everything. However, families who desperately want children are hardly supported if it doesn't work naturally. That's absurd.

Read also

(Un)fulfilled Desire for Children

"Feel good, live better" – the health podcast. Dr. Bernd Lesoine on myths of reproductive medicine and successful fertility treatments

This is a topic that politics absolutely must address. Furthermore, taboos must be broken: We need more openness in social conversation, less blame - and politically finally reforms like the legalization of egg donation. Because it would give women who do not have healthy eggs a real chance for a biological child and prevent couples from having to go abroad.

If you could give women or couples at the beginning of this journey a piece of advice - what would it be?

My most important advice: Don't wait too long. We tried for five years on our own - far too long. Get help early, both medically and psychologically. Talk to each other, remain allies, even when the road gets tough. And keep in mind: There are many ways to become a family. In the end, it doesn't matter which path you take, but that you don't lose each other. Oh yes: And buy my book. That, of course, above all else.