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Constantly having to show your best side, always pretending to be in a great mood, means regression.
March 6, 2025
Margit Hiebl
Happiness is often said to be a matter of attitude. Why one should definitely allow negative thoughts and feelings, and how compulsively searching for positivity can be downright toxic.
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Think pink! Good vibes only! It all depends on your attitude! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! How many times have we heard that, said it ourselves, or hashtagged it? On Instagram alone, there are 164 million posts for "#goodvibes".
But honestly: Does everything always have to be turned into something good? Can't we just be in a bad mood? Or sad? And angry? Yes, we can - and instead of the rose-colored glasses, use the middle finger, gladly in pink. Some might ask: What's wrong with positive thinking? Especially since numerous studies confirm its effectiveness. And what's wrong with being optimistic? Nothing, of course.
Optimists are said to have a higher life expectancy. But forced optimism is not a panacea and can backfire badly. Hashtag: toxicpositivity.
In a pictorial sense: When positive thinking and optimism have a child that turns out completely different. Character trait: forced confidence. Fueled by a real movement of positive thinking and established not least by the pandemic, we're constantly offered pink cotton candy on social media, in coaching sessions, and self-help guides under the motto "You can't think negatively and expect positive outcomes."
Perhaps also a misguided effect of Positive Psychology, which intensifies the focus on the positive to create an emotional balance - because people instinctively concentrate more on the negative. Even if they're no fun, negative feelings definitely make sense - sometimes even a vital one.
They indicate that something is wrong, warn us, and urge us to act and change something. Being really angry sometimes feels damn alive. Negative thinking can even be used as a strategy by playing through a worst-case scenario.
Bad vibes allow us to learn and grow. Having to constantly show your best side, always pretending to be super upbeat, on the other hand, means regression.
For one thing, for the "courage-givers," whose appeasement strategy increasingly diminishes their ability to truly Empathy lost. Above all, though, for their 'victims.' For them, when everyone around them seems to be handling their issues with nonchalance, their own misfortune can feel doubly burdensome.
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If no valuable lessons are learned from crises, one also lacks the tools for the next ones.
The pressure to remain positive also leads to frustration, shame, and sadness, according to a study examining the effects of toxic positivity on college students during the pandemic. This was mainly because they felt that the emotions they shared were dismissed as trivial by those around them. Social media usage amplified this effect.
This can even lead to people feeling isolated in difficult situations and thinking their feelings are inappropriate. Well-meant doesn't always mean well done, leading to a vicious cycle: Because these fears and worries are repressed again, and to resolve the cognitive dissonance, the situation is reinterpreted and glossed over again.
But what about the problems? They don't disappear, on the contrary: 'What you resist not only persists but grows,' as Carl Gustav Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, already said.
And yet another toxic snowball effect: If no valuable lessons are drawn from a crisis, one lacks the tools for the next one. Even when the crisis is managed, the rosy danger still lurks: Instead of appreciation and support while licking your wounds, you might hear a sentence like: 'Be glad that you're doing well now.'
It exists not only in personal life but also in professional contexts. Take New Work, for example: Under the trendy guise of agility, many are working at the edge of their limits, often 24/7, with increasing pressure and questionable contracts – and constantly making it look good. Classic phrases include: 'Failure is not an option. And with the right attitude, you can do it.'
Not infrequently, the mindset of always being responsible for one's own happiness or unhappiness leads to distorted perceptions of reality. Negative experiences are overestimated, following the motto: "It's my own fault that I can't manage it" – while positive experiences are underestimated, with the motto: "I was just lucky!" A blow to self-confidence.
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Toxic positivity: Depression and anxiety disorders can worsen
Especially for people with pre-existing mental illnesses, toxic positivity can become a trap: Depression and Anxiety disorders can worsen. Unfortunately, this also increases the threshold to seek professional help.
Toxic positivity also has physical consequences. A study showed that test subjects with higher "emodiversity", meaning greater emotional diversity, exhibited lower levels of inflammation in the blood.
Another study conducted at Boston University with people with anxiety and affective disorders showed further physical effects: One half was instructed to suppress emerging feelings during an emotion-triggering film, while the other was to accept them. The measurement results showed: Although everyone was similarly stressed, the acceptance group showed fewer negative emotions and a lower heart rate.
What distinguishes toxic positivity from optimism? Toxic positivity is - like too much sugar in coffee - in the long run unpalatable and bad for health. Healthy optimism, on the other hand, is like a balanced diet: it nourishes us without making us sick.
Because the slightly positively distorted approach helps to approach situations constructively, as it motivates. But the line is thin. How do you manage to remain optimistic so that it benefits yourself or others? Actually, quite simple: Be honest with yourself and others. Accept that life can be a mess. Allow yourself to be grumpy. Or, to the question “How are you?” answer: “I've been better.”
If you act as an advisor yourself: Listening to others is better than immediately spouting rainbow wisdom. In fact, someone who is in a difficult situation is more likely to be helped by a hug. And instead of “it will all be okay,” a sentence like: “I’m here for you whenever you need me.” Or: “I understand that this is a burden for you. How can I support you?”
Misfortune and happiness belong together. Maybe you only truly appreciate happiness when you know the other side. And yes, maybe one will eventually say in hindsight: How fortunate that I got fired from this job - I wouldn’t have dared to take that step myself and wouldn’t have come as far as I have today. Or about an ex-partner: Thank you for leaving me! And be proud that you mastered the crises with all its ups & downs. Because that makes you strong and authentic. Because your own feelings feel right - no matter what color they are.
